Rachel

Unconventional Playmate

When I was younger, I absolutely loved this movie about a little girl who had an imaginary friend... it's called Drop Dead Fred. I could watch it over and over again, sincerely laughing in all the same spots (a hundred times over) and never tiring of the love this little girl had for her "friend" Fred. I see that same kind of love growing inmy own son. I was reminded of this movie today after my son handed me the phone and said "Hooha said goodbye. She needed to go." He really had been talking to my mom (whom he calls Hooha) and after a short "Love you mom... bye," I turned the phone off, only to realize by the timer it has on it that Ryland had been on the phone with her for 43min and 27sec!!! He calls my parents most every day and talks as quickly as he can get his words out, while he walks around the house "showing them things." He literally plays with her as if she were physically here with him. Today I heard him saying "You're chasing me..." (as he was laughing), so I quietly walked downstairs to see what the fuss was about. He was holding the phone behind his back and running in all directions in the basement. Hooha really was chasing him. How funny is that? He often holds the phone up to his train tracks and proceeds to have her "push" a train or two around the track. I love that he doesn't skip a beat about the fact that she isn't actually here. Though I think my mom is crazy to let him keep her on the phone for long periods of time, I also love that she truly wants to be with him that bad. I know that he will probably always remember his playdates.... ie phone calls to his Hooha. I can only hope he holds onto that desire for at least the next 25 years or so.

Something so amazing... and yet so hard.

As I left Ryland's (my independant, extremely loving, and strong willed little 3 year old) room tonight after he woke up from a bad dream, I was thinking about being a mother. It's hard not to think about it.. it's my life. Ryland is really growing into his independence, so it is so often difficult to distract him from what he wants, or get him to accept the word no that I often feel drained at the end of my day. Even with this strong characteristic, he still NEEDS me. Amazing. It is incredible for me to think about how much he depends on me... and yet he truly yearns to feel like he is in control. I have been working hard to help him feel like he can make choices for himself, but man, it is hard! I find myself trying to cut down on the messes, hassle, and the feeling that all I do is follow him around like a vacum, just cleaning up all the things he mis-places, when my focus should be on being a fun, attentive mother. Jeez! I never realized how hard it would be to feel like a good parent. There are always a hundred things that I could have done better, and I have come to realize that I am very hard on myself when I don't feel like I excel at the things I choose to do. How do I relax about being the best mom possible when so much of Ryland's future "being" will be determined by the things I teach him (or don't teach him)?? What an amazing gift it is to be his momma... I love that little stinker!