Something so amazing... and yet so hard.

As I left Ryland's (my independant, extremely loving, and strong willed little 3 year old) room tonight after he woke up from a bad dream, I was thinking about being a mother. It's hard not to think about it.. it's my life. Ryland is really growing into his independence, so it is so often difficult to distract him from what he wants, or get him to accept the word no that I often feel drained at the end of my day. Even with this strong characteristic, he still NEEDS me. Amazing. It is incredible for me to think about how much he depends on me... and yet he truly yearns to feel like he is in control. I have been working hard to help him feel like he can make choices for himself, but man, it is hard! I find myself trying to cut down on the messes, hassle, and the feeling that all I do is follow him around like a vacum, just cleaning up all the things he mis-places, when my focus should be on being a fun, attentive mother. Jeez! I never realized how hard it would be to feel like a good parent. There are always a hundred things that I could have done better, and I have come to realize that I am very hard on myself when I don't feel like I excel at the things I choose to do. How do I relax about being the best mom possible when so much of Ryland's future "being" will be determined by the things I teach him (or don't teach him)?? What an amazing gift it is to be his momma... I love that little stinker!